I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
