So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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