my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
