i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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