Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
