you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
