When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
