I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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