i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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