Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
