took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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