shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
