Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize