I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize