you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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