i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
