well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
