My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
