did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
