Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
