You made me cry and you don't even care
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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