Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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