Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
