When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
