I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
