I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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