I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
