so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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