i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
