I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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