This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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