now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize