she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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