Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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