i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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