I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
