you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
