I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i came on her dog
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
