somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
