How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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