did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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