omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
