I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize