I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
