Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize