Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
