Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
