I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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