Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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