ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
