Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
