omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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