my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
