He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
