bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
