Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
