OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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