so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
