I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
