My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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